Tuesday, 25 June 2013

Lost Beloved

I search for you. 

Where are you? Have you been hiding in your complex emotions of certified madness? Or have you been hiding from me? Me, the very one who drives you crazy. That’s what you told me, remember? You said it with such honesty that right there, in the garden, on the bench beside you, I leaped into those perfectly formed words without even thinking for a second. It was simple, it was clean and yet the weightage of those words mattered to me. I looked into your eyes with a tinge of surprise which was mixed a little with curiosity, of wanting. Of wanting those words to be heard over and over, of wanting to believe them again, of wanting to re-do my facial expression because maybe it wasn't the one you were expecting, of making me want to hold and caress you right there and then, of hugging you so tight that you’d go numb with love, of kissing you among those beautiful oak trees and of wanting to make a moment, maybe a pristine one. No creases, no derails, no slipping, no detour. 

Just you and me.

In reality, my expression changed from love to shock. I knew it was a simple sentence, no commas, no double meanings, no complexity. That was what scared me because your certainty got me and suddenly I realized no matter how purely you formed that sentence and let it out of your lips, I couldn't get rid of its hearing. Of it being echoed through my senses when I was alone. There was no escape route, only a one-way which you had created where there were sparks and sun-rays on appeared spots. Where even if leaves fell off the trees they looked magnificent by coating the ground with a brown golden hue making the passerby feel special, like some sort of magical event was performed there. Where you held my hand in public, it was a tiny thing but it didn't just make my world go round, it made my world complete. When I saw your eyes, the ones that exactly know what they've gotten into and there’s no looking back. That. It made my feet wobble because I was awed by your mannerism of absolute certainty.

You gave me that world.

But then, I took a step back. With that changing expression I changed my outlook because this entire mirage we had created seemed less-worthy, we made it look like it was more of a play than lovers. I took my hand back thinking you would get the hint, but then you got more aggressive in your speech and I remember you tried every power you had in convincing to make me believe again. I couldn't because sometimes, when you know, you know. Everything else after that was a blur. A haze where everything that you did that every legitimate lover would do was fight for it and I just sat there staring into space thinking of every wrong move I had made, until now. 

It’s been a year since we coincidentally met at a common friend's wedding and my eyes always found their way to you. Even if you weren't there or if you weren't within my sight, my eyes magically constructed a path and it indeed led me towards your silhouette. I just kept looking and we finally talked. You seemed happy and successful with your new job and the handsome income. You introduced me to your fiance, she seemed polite but not one bit did I even see her well, I just observed the way you introduced me to her, sort of mechanical and fake. We made small talk and said our goodbyes and while saying we shook hands. Mine into yours, in perfect sync, that was. Now the formality took over and we redeemed our usual position during the wedding course and you know what light sort of inspiration hit me? My hand. If only I had never taken it back. Either things would have been wonderfully different or utterly worse but now I see you standing there ten feet away from me, holding her waist and holding your drink in another hand with perfect ease, I see the smile. That was, with me. And I see it smiling even better than it was with me. I folded my fingers into a fist and  I breathed out. 

My holding back, back then gave you your present happiness. 

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